Monday, November 28, 2011

Search for Sweetness

My first blog...

In search for sweetness, perhaps an epic journey to find the tenderness, gentleness, and love that I hope still inhabits my soul. This is what I hope will be a positive journey to a deeper relationship with Christ with the byproduct of more tenderness or "sweetness" if you will, manifesting in me (and if there is a "you" out there, you too!)

I believe that many of us have a defining moment in our lives that may dictate who we become and how we interact with our surroundings. That moment for me grew out of spousal abuse. It disturbs me that I allowed that one relationship to weigh so heavily upon my life and taint the color and taste of every encounter there after. I had hoped I was better than that, perhaps stronger than that or at the very least different from that. Sadly, I am finding I am not.

Most of my life, I would like to think was filled with joy. Upon reflection I find only fleeting moments here and there filled with the over flow of joy. I am thankful for those moments. I want those moments to be more of the norm instead of the exception. Don't get me wrong, I am not a negative person and I do believe many of my dear friends would find that last statement a bit odd coming from me. But, the goal here (yes, there is a goal) is to find the joy, overflowing and allow it to infect me and all who interact with me. With that joy I am expecting the sweetness and tenderness of the spirit to follow.

When someone makes a statement about who you are or what you've said or a component of your personality, I look at that as, okay that  is "your" opinion. I will fiercely defend your right to express your opinion whether I agree with it or not. However, when you hear similar statements from people whose paths would never cross and there are more than 3 in agreement, it makes you stop and take notice. 

I am stopping... you have my full undivided attention! I get it, I am mean. There, I said it. I am not making any excuses or defenses, I think you have gotten your point across. Now, who do we fix it? Because for a long time I was okay with it and didn't want to fix it. I was wrong, I was believing the lies of Satan. But, that is for another Blog, another day.

I could unpack where I think the meanness comes from; or the root. I have made myself believe that a. it is okay to be brutally honest (no matter who I hurt or offend) and b. this is who I am, so deal with it. Wow... Writing those down and reading them back make me wonder how I got to be so arrogant. YUK, that is just ugly!

So, the Search for Sweetness is real and very much needed in me. I wonder how many other women feel this way or have they become so thickened by emotional pain that they can't even look within? Your thoughts and input on this are welcomed.

I will go into more depth about the root later, as I am not ready to purge up that much emotion right now.

My prayer for us tonight is to allow our Heavenly Father access to the root of our pain.

Father, please look into our hearts. Find that bitter root that started this closed journey and begin to hack it away. Show us the loving, joyous journey you have for us. Hold us close to you and allow the healing to begin. Guard our mouths and remind us before we allow ugly things to fall out. Use our voices for praise and encouragement of others. Thank you Father for faithfully being there waiting for us to deepen our relationship with you  ~ Praise you Holy name!
                       Amen

Blessings until next time....








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