Thursday, December 1, 2011

Roots... sources of life and death

When you grow up as a tom-boy trying to prove your worth the idea of a boy girl relationship is always desired but seems so elusive. I climbed trees, caught snakes and built them homes with wood and screen, fished in the stream behind my home and road my bicycle like I was Evil  Knievel. I had a balls to the wall attitude, still do in some situations. So, after having boys see right through me all of my young life it was shocking to me to have someone pay me any attention. We married the year I was supposed to graduate high school and I might ad divorced 9 months later. I gave this person my whole heart and he gave me his anger and violence. I have never been able to understand how someone you love so much can only express themselves through violence and think that is love. It was out of need for self preservation that I filed for divorce, shortly after running across town to "be safe." After my divorce, I promised myself that no one would ever hurt me like that again.

A caution here... when we make pacts or promises to ourselves, we believe them and our subconscious mind does its best to make those promises come true.

My subconscious mind got busy building walls and fences and developing attitudes within me to protect me, to keep me safe. This was my bitter root, the source of death of my sweetness and belief that I would never find a man that would love and protect me. Even if that "perfect" guy came along, my subconscious found ways to undermine the relationship. It would allow me to be with them without bearing my soul as long as there was a safe distance and I maintained control. What a crappy way to live! I always kept my heart hidden, safe, protected. I am sure that I had no idea how deeply wounded I was. A very nice Christian man that I met once told me, "wounded people wound." That statement really hit home with me, especially since when he told me I thought I was healed. I was just at the beginning of my healing journey then and glad I met him. That single statement helped me to put things into better perspective.

We have a way of traversing life sometimes in a numbed state; fast, furious, oblivious to our deepest needs. When I was last married I actually had people tell us we were going to divorce. I just laughed it off. We did divorce and after that in 2004 I thought back to the promises I had made myself and how that pact had not served me as well as I had hoped it would. I realized that in order for me to find my "happy ever after" I had a lot of work to do. I also had to open myself up to going directions I knew God wanted me to go. Yes, I went but not without a hissy fit and yes, it was very difficult.

The best part about my healing journey was that I was planting, in some areas, new trees with life giving roots. Trees where joy and peace and nurturing could abide. Roots supporting life giving trees that would branch out with lush leaves and soft pleasant smelling flowers that would give way to hearty fruit.

Yes, I have my ugly moments and suspect I always will, since none of us are perfect. But, the growing and the healing have been amazing and even exciting at times. Yes, I will still relapse but I don't believe it will be to the extreme places I have dwelt before and I am grateful for that.

For you and for me too... I pray that our eyes are opened and we see clearly when our bitter root starts to try and take hold. I hid in my pain for way too many years and I am sure I missed many beautiful things. My wish for us is that we wake up and stay awake to our emotional needs. That we take a deep breath and stretch out of our slumber and seek the joy, the sweetness, the healing so the rest of life my be experienced by fresher eyes. There is an amazingly wonderful and tender soul nestled in our depths, let's find some quiet time to reconnect... we may be weepy for a little bit but I think we will find relief on the other side, I know we will.

Emotional health and healing is not an overnight thing, there is no quick fix. The incredible thing is each positive experience will build upon itself and sort of like the snowball effect the love, peace and joy will increase and the pain and sorrow will begin to heal and decrease - it just takes time.

So, love yourself and be patient with yourself and find a way to positively express your love and trust in a tiny way every day.

Blessing to you -

 Praise God!

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Surprises aren't always happy ones...

I have found with most of my journeys, that if I am heading in the right direction it is like stepping on a land mine. Kablamm! Stepping out in faith, for me anyway, has a way of setting all sorts of things in motion. It's sort of like moving your furniture, you find all sorts of things. Some things are happy little surprises and others are like a rude slap in the face.

Searching for a new way to express yourself has definite challenges. I am searching for sweetness, so I try different words and hold my tongue, even though it doesn't seem to others I am holding back. I know that change always comes with its unique challenges - choosing the right direction, the best way to phrase things and finding comfort in your chameleon skin. Then there are those around you that see you one way and are going to, at all cost, keep you in that mold... no matter what. So, it's tough. Please forgive my missteps as I find my new footing, I am sure the end results will be well worth it.

So even though I want to only use the past as a place I have been and take the lessons learned, I have no desire to live there. Let's face it, it wasn't that great the first go round. Deep Breath... let it go and reach toward the joy that lies ahead. Yes, that is a much better place.

Those dark little surprise that will most definitely pop up from time to time need to be dealt with appropriately. The ugliness that jumps out and wants to grab me needs to know that, while I appreciate your desire to mess up my life and jerk me around, I do not chose to acknowledge you - HA, so there!!! If my mind does not dwell in the past, or negativity, or ugliness, or pain then those things do not have a grip on me.

This week I am focusing on the Happy Surprises, the Joys, the mind bending Positive Possibilities. I know this can be a challenge and feel uncomfortable or awkward, but that is where I am setting my thoughts. When a dark, negative thought starts to creep in I will say, "thank you for stopping by, now be on your way I don't have time for you." Then I will flood my thoughts with things that make me smile. :)  Some time ago, I even wrote little notes, filled with happiness and joy as reminders of what I should be thinking about. I think I will do that again, weird as it sounds it helped. I am a very visual person and to see those notes just drove the point in a little deeper.

Have patience with yourself and the ones you love... look for the unexpected joys and share at least one happy thought with someone today!


Monday, November 28, 2011

My first blog...

In search for sweetness, perhaps an epic journey to find the tenderness, gentleness, and love that I hope still inhabits my soul. This is what I hope will be a positive journey to a deeper relationship with Christ with the byproduct of more tenderness or "sweetness" if you will, manifesting in me (and if there is a "you" out there, you too!)

I believe that many of us have a defining moment in our lives that may dictate who we become and how we interact with our surroundings. That moment for me grew out of spousal abuse. It disturbs me that I allowed that one relationship to weigh so heavily upon my life and taint the color and taste of every encounter there after. I had hoped I was better than that, perhaps stronger than that or at the very least different from that. Sadly, I am finding I am not.

Most of my life, I would like to think was filled with joy. Upon reflection I find only fleeting moments here and there filled with the over flow of joy. I am thankful for those moments. I want those moments to be more of the norm instead of the exception. Don't get me wrong, I am not a negative person and I do believe many of my dear friends would find that last statement a bit odd coming from me. But, the goal here (yes, there is a goal) is to find the joy, overflowing and allow it to infect me and all who interact with me. With that joy I am expecting the sweetness and tenderness of the spirit to follow.

When someone makes a statement about who you are or what you've said or a component of your personality, I look at that as, okay that  is "your" opinion. I will fiercely defend your right to express your opinion whether I agree with it or not. However, when you hear similar statements from people whose paths would never cross and there are more than 3 in agreement, it makes you stop and take notice. 

I am stopping... you have my full undivided attention! I get it, I am mean. There, I said it. I am not making any excuses or defenses, I think you have gotten your point across. Now, who do we fix it? Because for a long time I was okay with it and didn't want to fix it. I was wrong, I was believing the lies of Satan. But, that is for another Blog, another day.

I could unpack where I think the meanness comes from; or the root. I have made myself believe that a. it is okay to be brutally honest (no matter who I hurt or offend) and b. this is who I am, so deal with it. Wow... Writing those down and reading them back make me wonder how I got to be so arrogant. YUK, that is just ugly!

So, the Search for Sweetness is real and very much needed in me. I wonder how many other women feel this way or have they become so thickened by emotional pain that they can't even look within? Your thoughts and input on this are welcomed.

I will go into more depth about the root later, as I am not ready to purge up that much emotion right now.

My prayer for us tonight is to allow our Heavenly Father access to the root of our pain.

Father, please look into our hearts. Find that bitter root that started this closed journey and begin to hack it away. Show us the loving, joyous journey you have for us. Hold us close to you and allow the healing to begin. Guard our mouths and remind us before we allow ugly things to fall out. Use our voices for praise and encouragement of others. Thank you Father for faithfully being there waiting for us to deepen our relationship with you  ~ Praise you Holy name!

Blessings until next time....