When you grow up as a tom-boy trying to prove your worth the idea of a boy girl relationship is always desired but seems so elusive. I climbed trees, caught snakes and built them homes with wood and screen, fished in the stream behind my home and road my bicycle like I was Evil Knievel. I had a balls to the wall attitude, still do in some situations. So, after having boys see right through me all of my young life it was shocking to me to have someone pay me any attention. We married the year I was supposed to graduate high school and I might ad divorced 9 months later. I gave this person my whole heart and he gave me his anger and violence. I have never been able to understand how someone you love so much can only express themselves through violence and think that is love. It was out of need for self preservation that I filed for divorce, shortly after running across town to "be safe." After my divorce, I promised myself that no one would ever hurt me like that again.
A caution here... when we make pacts or promises to ourselves, we believe them and our subconscious mind does its best to make those promises come true.
My subconscious mind got busy building walls and fences and developing attitudes within me to protect me, to keep me safe. This was my bitter root, the source of death of my sweetness and belief that I would never find a man that would love and protect me. Even if that "perfect" guy came along, my subconscious found ways to undermine the relationship. It would allow me to be with them without bearing my soul as long as there was a safe distance and I maintained control. What a crappy way to live! I always kept my heart hidden, safe, protected. I am sure that I had no idea how deeply wounded I was. A very nice Christian man that I met once told me, "wounded people wound." That statement really hit home with me, especially since when he told me I thought I was healed. I was just at the beginning of my healing journey then and glad I met him. That single statement helped me to put things into better perspective.
We have a way of traversing life sometimes in a numbed state; fast, furious, oblivious to our deepest needs. When I was last married I actually had people tell us we were going to divorce. I just laughed it off. We did divorce and after that in 2004 I thought back to the promises I had made myself and how that pact had not served me as well as I had hoped it would. I realized that in order for me to find my "happy ever after" I had a lot of work to do. I also had to open myself up to going directions I knew God wanted me to go. Yes, I went but not without a hissy fit and yes, it was very difficult.
The best part about my healing journey was that I was planting, in some areas, new trees with life giving roots. Trees where joy and peace and nurturing could abide. Roots supporting life giving trees that would branch out with lush leaves and soft pleasant smelling flowers that would give way to hearty fruit.
Yes, I have my ugly moments and suspect I always will, since none of us are perfect. But, the growing and the healing have been amazing and even exciting at times. Yes, I will still relapse but I don't believe it will be to the extreme places I have dwelt before and I am grateful for that.
For you and for me too... I pray that our eyes are opened and we see clearly when our bitter root starts to try and take hold. I hid in my pain for way too many years and I am sure I missed many beautiful things. My wish for us is that we wake up and stay awake to our emotional needs. That we take a deep breath and stretch out of our slumber and seek the joy, the sweetness, the healing so the rest of life my be experienced by fresher eyes. There is an amazingly wonderful and tender soul nestled in our depths, let's find some quiet time to reconnect... we may be weepy for a little bit but I think we will find relief on the other side, I know we will.
Emotional health and healing is not an overnight thing, there is no quick fix. The incredible thing is each positive experience will build upon itself and sort of like the snowball effect the love, peace and joy will increase and the pain and sorrow will begin to heal and decrease - it just takes time.
So, love yourself and be patient with yourself and find a way to positively express your love and trust in a tiny way every day.
Blessing to you -
Praise God!
Krystyna
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